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Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Wed May 10, 2017 1:35 pm

Traditional Indian cooking has a fair amount in common with traditional Mexican cooking. We read up a bit and learned that most currys seem to have a typical process. Spices are toasted, as is common in Mexican cooking. It really makes a difference too. Easier to measure them out in advance and have them lined up since it goes fast once we start. We just toast them in a non-stick skillet and grind them in a mortar and pestle. There is usually a wet mix too. Sometimes based on onions, ginger and or garlic and such. The dry spices were added to the wet mix here. It actually takes longer to describe it than it does to do it. The results are amazing.


We had a serious go at it. Beef Madras Curry and Coorg Pandi Curry (pork curry) from scratch. Basmatti rice with lentils and coconut, steamed vegetables, and our hot Indian lemon pickles with. We bought the chapati (methi paratha) bread. Be trying that soon! Took all day. Worth it!

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Working on the beef here. Wet seasonings cooking in the skillet, tomato base in the cast iron pan, toasted spices in the bowl. I seared the roast. Had to be done even if the recipe did not say so.

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Spices toasted and ready to grind.

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Ground dry spices brightened up the mix!

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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Wed May 10, 2017 1:47 pm

Fresh cilantro. Used three bunches today.

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Beef on the left. Pork on the right. Cook for hours...

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Basmatti rice with lentils.

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We even had mukhwaas, a digestive / mouth freshener. Candy coated fennel seeds, saffron, cardamom and such. Sure is pretty! Not very good. Supposed to be good for us so I will eat a teaspoon now and then.

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Meat is optional in Indian cooking. Lot of vegetarians in India. These dishes could be done with lentils and some version of that is more usual than meat based. The rice was dressed up at the very end with a tablespoon of ghee (toasted clarified butter) that had some urad dal (a variety of legume) and unsalted cashews toasted in it, just poured over the rice and mixed in right before serving.

We're omnivores so we went with a meat dish. With what we can keep long-term in food storage, we could make most Indian and Mexican foods. Learning to eat what we can store can be interesting and delicious! Fresh foods add a lot of course. We are hoping to graduate to growing micro greens and sprouting this next round of self-improvement. Working to keep eating more of our foods unprocessed and as whole as possible, with some good portion of those raw. This is sustainable and also sustains us.

It feels good to be progressing on our food storage again instead of just playing catch-up. We find we think about it differently now. Instead of just packing back barrels of rice and beans and pasta, our horizons have expanded. We watch sales for interesting and clean foods, more on that later, and pack them safely for long-term storage. Brian found a place to get screw-top olive barrels not too far from us and that's on our short list now. It isn't much fun as a project if it is just all work and it is easy to get a lot of food because it is cheap without practicing how to enjoy eating it.

This exercise brings us joy. We ARE finding joy again, in the usual places. The productive, constructive, long-term stuff that pays out right now with tangible rewards. Very satisfactory to look at the growing pile of well-packaged food, knowing just how good it will be when we eat it. The better we get at it the sooner maybe we can retire? It is a LOT cheaper to eat lower on the food chain too.
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Wed May 10, 2017 2:07 pm

Syd did not care for curry. She said she gave hers to Smoky. She had peas for supper instead. She loves them! Shucks the peas out of the pods. Eats the peas. Tosses the pods. We try to be generous but we are afraid to give her as many peas as she will eat. Cockatoo might pop!

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Tom might die of happiness but he is remembering to keep his cool! Smokey came to join him in his window seat and he was not even calling for her. Hard for the people to catch any sleep sometimes! Brian might look cranky but he is an exceptionally good sport. He actually called me for the photo opportunity and was going to pull the covers over his head but I was too fast. He approved the photo anyway.

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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Wed May 10, 2017 2:23 pm

Went to the Patel Brothers Indian grocery in Louisville. Wonderful place! Found fresh frozen turmeric. Last try fermenting turmeric did not go as planned. Trying again. Got two bags. $3 something each. Thawed in the fridge before I started. Fresh turmeric has a short shelf life. Fermented foods keep well for a year or more in the fridge. We use our fermented garlic just like fresh stuff. It does not last long enough to test the shelf life!

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Tablespoon of kosher salt per quart, our standard ratio. Note I did NOT add water. Most foods make enough liquid to stew in their own juices.

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Started juicing up pretty fast. Generally give it 2-3 hours to see how much liquid it will make, before adding any filtered water.

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Smashing it down. Maybe 20-30 minutes after salting. Withon an hour it had plenty of liquid. Object is to keep the food under liquid.

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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Wed May 10, 2017 2:27 pm

Added a quarter cup of liquid from the south African sweet potato ferment to make SURE it will go this time. Put a baggie in the jar. Folded it out around the jar. Dumped a little salt in the baggie and filled with water to just below the rim. Put another baggie on top. Rubber band holds it it place. It will spew for a few days. Put it in a bowl for easy cleanup. Set in a dark warm place and wait. Give it a week and try it. When we like it, it is done.

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Got another half gallon of garlic ferment started. Trying it whole instead of processed to a paste this time. Easy to grind it later if we like. Cannot UN grind it though. Gave it a quarter cup of the sweet potato brine too, a live brine gets the ferment going faster and insures it WILL go.

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We got some BLUE cloves!!! No one knows why this happens but it is fine to eat them. The blue ones are coveted in some cultures. It feels like magic!

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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Wed May 10, 2017 2:36 pm

The Mexican and Indian food is also about learning to eat what we can store most easily. Both rely on grains and legumes, with plenty of spices to make it more interesting to eat. There is a lot of crossover in the spices used too, which is why we chose these two as our recreational cooking project for the moment. Ginger and garlic paste is a big deal in Indian food. We can grow garlic. Might even be able to grow ginger but keeping it is another matter. We're experimenting with fermentation of course. Finally figured we were ready for a serious food processor and we're making good use of it!

Equal amounts of ginger and garlic. Usual tablespoon of kosher salt per quart by volume.

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It is pretty!

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Worked up a pepper mix too. 6 each pobleno, ancho and jalepeno peppers. Seeded and de-veined, chopped fairly fine and we added a quarter cup of plain yogurt. This is a general version of a specific recipe we found online that said the yogurt helped peppers ferment instead of molding as they are prone to do. Let you know how that comes out.

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Didn't take long. Cleanup wasn't even much work.

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I would expect fermented foods to keep quite a long time without commercial refrigeration. A cellar, or better yet a spring-house or evaporative cooling setup would work well. Might last longer in a fridge but if one grows a garden there would be fresh offerings for fermentation in quite a bit less than a year. I can attest that cooler sours more slowly, and foods with less starch do not seem to get as sour over long periods of time. The huge bonus is in acidifying food enough to water bath instead of pressure cooking.

Think I'll spell out that in a SHTF situation knowing how to ferment foods might be an extremely big deal. Remember salt is not strictly necessary, it just gives the lactobacteria an advantage.
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Wed May 10, 2017 3:04 pm

My routine changes with the seasons of course. Not done very well remembering to schedule in time for keeping our posts updated. I HAVE done a good job of getting pictures resized and uploaded as I take them so I do not feel overwhelmed like I have, when I have not kept up as regularly as I might like to. Usually I have a couple days running the generator a week doing laundry and such, and I tend to use that time to post online. Lately I have been running the vacuum sealer instead and it sure keeps me hopping! I can just about keep it going full speed if I apply myself. Fortunately that's done now, until we see something on sale that is;) Be biting that off in reasonable size jobs from here out. Might do some deeper pantry storage in bigger containers but we are hopefully done with the marathon project. It was worth it by the way.

The medicinal herb project is ongoing and I'll have more to share about that. We're still learning and work continues on food storage, keeping a year supply of food on hand for two hard working adults is no small task and our next project after we finish the herbs will be a hard look at how much of that food we can reasonably produce ourselves. May be next year before we get very far with that but more time planning and researching often pays out. So we're back on track on most fronts now.

Three years. We notice a lot of it it is not very clear in our memories now, and figure that might be a kindness. Guess we started here a few months after the fact, and I would have to look to see just what month the fire happened. Seems to me it was June. Coming right up. We might still be a little bit anxious about leaving the place but we figure that has more to do with the overall stress than just the fire. We're sleeping well. I am READING!!! Enjoying Catherine Ryan Hyde a lot right now. Having a little bit of a social life. Getting out with Mom. Got projects planned at her place. I am holding around 130 pretty consistently. See how long that lasts when I dig into the summertime work here but my clothes fit again. My hair grew back as thick as it was before. Haven't had that painful tic under my eye in a very long time. We do not levitate when the phone rings any more. We just see who it is and hope it isn't a trash call.

Not doing as well with some long-term projects as we'd like but that's probably pretty normal. We are all individuals but I do not think we have taken "too long" to climb back up. I expect we've thought we were doing better than we actually were all along. We did make ourselves a fair amount of work through being stressed and stupid or under a gun to deal with something we were NOT prepared to do in our usual fashion. Some we knew we were doing and some we just did not have the resources or ability to think through at the time. Think we've mostly gotten through that now.

I do not think there is a right or wrong with stress and pressure and loss. We all do the best we can and whoever we are and however we manage is just good enough. I feel pretty blessed that we had that moment when we thought to think and talk about how we would behave and choose to think and feel after the fire - before the worst of it all hit our lives. I believe that has helped us more than we can even suspect. I hope our sharing has helped others who struggle.

Laundry calls, left the loads with lots of small stuff to fold for last. Hung some out and it's clouding up, might have to run out and collect it off the line. Not heard from Brian yet. If he has a very long day I might carry on catching up our news for a while today. Been making it a habit to keep the evening free and have all the day's projects put away so we can really enjoy the time we do get. Took longer to get some things done but it has sure been worth it.
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Sun May 14, 2017 10:30 am

I don't remember when I stopped talking or if I just never did ever talk to anyone about how I felt. The kind of sharing that everyone else seems to do so easily and used to make me physically uncomfortable. I think I learned way too young how much people I trusted could hurt me and after we learn that one we seem to have a hard time learning to avoid more people who will hurt us, like it gets to be "normal" and we do not know how to expect or hope for anything different?

I feel fortunate in that I did have a handful of people I could be as close as I knew how to be with, who are remarkably good people. I failed to appreciate them at the time of course. Mostly I chose not to participate with people for as long as I can remember. I read far more than anyone I ever knew and that would be a form of escape. I actually walked around school reading.

I always related to animals. They are honest maybe because they do not have words to use to hide behind? Except our cockatoo Syd does have some words and she cannot seem to use them to lie. She can withold words as in when I ask if she knows where my coffee cup is and she does not answer, though she DOES know because it is funny for her to see me look for it. Or that time I asked her if I had food on my face and she said no words but gave me a little half-rise of her feather crest like kind of yes and made me go look. And then she laughed and laughed but that is not a lie like I mean here. That is a cockatoo joke. Animals do not pretend about how they feel and people have always been confusing for me because they sometimes do.

Three years ago I started that thread about what it is like to have a house fire on a public forum and I promised me I would share about how it felt because I figured out pretty quick it was a fairly common and really traumatic life event. A lot happened very fast after that. Again it was mostly pretty common to the human experience but I have long noticed we tend to not talk about how we are dealing with them so I kept sharing. And when the horrors happened I kept right on talking out of habit maybe.

It looks like the habit stuck. From where I stand today I highly recommend it too. It might be hard to share and it might be harder to be fully honest to the best of our ability. It still feels scary sometimes. I think it helped though and I also think maybe it changed the world around me just a little bit. People who are not comfortable to confront what IS and willing to try to deal with it tend to slip back while those who are comfortable, or maybe want to be, start to open up more. I am SURE I have seen a growing level of sharing about the things that actually matter from the people in our lives and I try to be sure and thank them. Because I know how hard it is.

It is easier for me if I am not WITH others, to share. I never liked or really understood eye contact, and the whole body language thing is a language I still don't understand very well though I have studied everything I can find about it. Or maybe I get it on the level it is spoken and I just short-circuit when it says different things than the words that come with it? I am not comfortable with it and used hand-work to avoid it most of my life. Yeah, I DO see the trend in avoidance over my life;) I am trying still to learn to use my body language and eye contact so others will be comfortable.

There are other hazards interacting not in person. I do try to give it more thought before interacting. What I think comes right out my mouth in person and that is not always helpful... I have to guess here if I might have said or done something that others are not comfortable with and I am still pretty likely to say what I really think. Often, proofing something before I post it gives me a chance to see if I might say it more diplomatically and that helps. I still mess up. I make mistakes. I try to see it when it happens and go back to make it right. No doubt I miss it sometimes.

Blanket apology officially offered here and now if I have stepped on your toes and I have to be told most of the time so if I have been inadvertently unkind to you, you can just tell me. I will feel terrible about it and I will apologize, do what I can to set it right and not do it again. Lot of folks don't give others that opportunity even in person. Some folks just stop speaking to someone and never let on why. I suppose everyone gets to decide for themselves on that one.

I was going to share publicly for a year. That was the deal I made with me. So many traumatic things kept happening and I did choose to keep sharing at the year mark because we had so many followers we could not believe it. We came to think this meant our experiences might be meaningful to others and we found so much comfort in that. If you have been through the whole journey with us, we appreciate your presence and we treasure you for not turning away when it got REALLY hard. Thank you again and again.

I am thinking after all we shared maybe people were waiting to see if we would be ok again. We tried to be as ok as we could all along and the point of it all was about choosing how to think about what we experience. What we think often determines how we feel and mostly people don't seem to notice this so we wanted to talk about it. We learned that there are some things we just get to feel too. Well, we can choose to feel them so we are not crippled by choosing to try to not feel them. That one has been the hardest part for me.

I see I have continued to distract myself from it all some. I think that is why I am sometimes absent online for fairly long periods of time. Not avoiding, just trying to balance living in the now with working through it all. I need a lot of alone time. I need some "normal" to have solid ground to stand on to do the work dealing with it all. Sometimes I just need a break. I keep coming back and I mean to keep doing that. I want to reach a point where we can just share about life now but we are still not quite done dealing with then and it is still a fair amount of work. Looks like our lives are now forever divided into "before" and "after" on a number of really hard life event hits and maybe that is just a thing that is, not something we can work through?

Kind of rambling along here. It has felt like a long journey in a foreign land and it still does to some extent. But it is starting to feel like I am learning the language a little bit. I am not feeling like I am very good at it and I am still not entirely comfortable with it. Most of my life I have experienced things other people do not seem to be comfortable to hear about. And I could not read their "I am uncomfortable" signs. That seems to alienate people. I might be a little better at that. Or I might be choosing people who are more comfortable with my directness?

I shared that we were not able to get excited for a long time, like our get excited chemicals in our brains were all cooked out. And the was no joy either for what felt like forever. We worked hard to be satisfied with being gratified in having done our best but that was not the same. I shared recently that I noticed it scares me a little bit to feel joy because we were so very happy and hopeful and had so many good things happening right before it all came crashing down and life as we knew and loved it was just gone. Seeing that it scares me frees me to choose to feel that fear. Because the joy is right on the other side of my fear and I want ALL of my joy back. Not just the smaller amount that feels safer.

We think we are pretty much ok now. Been a lot to process and we are learning that does not seem to have an end, it just keeps getting a little bit easier. The thing about life altering events is that it will never be the same. We are working with that. Maybe we can just make what we can as much better as we are able to and go on to find a new kind of happiness? We do seem to be well on the way. That might be as close to ok as it gets? It is enough. We are thankful.
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Sun May 14, 2017 10:37 am

Tomorrow I get to spend a day with my cousin's Mom. It has felt so dark, that whole deal with the horrific murder of my cousin and I have not been in a good place to reach out to my dear family. She reached out to me and I just grabbed that and I appreciate how we keep getting more chances. I am really looking forward to sharing a quiet day at our home with her. Just over a year since the trial. Nearly two years since the murder. Time marches on.

My sister found my childhood friend for me recently. Better yet my friend remembered me! We moved a lot when I was very young and while my friend was very important to me I did understand I just passed through her life back then. I was thrilled to find my friend well and happy and that was enough. It is a bonus that we can get to know each other in the now. I notice that who we are has not changed. We just need to catch up our news:)

I am connecting better than I ever did and with more people I have long valued. It feels sort of overwhelming but good overall. I need a lot of time to process new things. None of it seems especially news worthy either. Trying to share anyway. I seem to come and go on that...
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Tue May 16, 2017 8:15 am

Things often do not go as planned. I was not even aware yesterday was my birthday when I made plans with my cousin’s Mom, and it turned out she had forgotten that she had promised a grandson the day quite some time ago so we will reschedule our visit. Instead I had a delicious lunch at Christie’s on the square with Mom and we walked around to Lincks to see about a birthday suit. More about that in another post, but as always it was wonderful.

There have been a few people who have just showed up and been there with us along the way during the past few years. Who called to be present with us in case we wanted to talk about it. Who had more time and more inner ability perhaps to be with us at a level we did not expect or even know we might need. We have not done very well returning their thoughtfullness. Heck we hardly went anyplace until the last year or so because we just were not functioning socially and have not done much better in the last year.

I have known that one of these people, a really dear friend was fighting her own battles and they were hard. I have stopped by and called some but felt I was neglecting my friend in hard times and this was a poor return for someone who has reached out, showed up, been there with us. I was worried about them too. So I just stopped by to check in and gave myself the gift of being with a friend who is facing hard things.

This friend has the gift of laughter. We talked frankly about everything we have both faced and we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. I only hope to learn to face hardship with such grace and dignity and - laughter. I remembered to tell the couple how nice it is to be with them because they are so very good together. I forgot to tell my friend, when she took her do-rag off her head to show me the result of her treatment that she is beautiful. I was pretty impressed and lost my words but that is what I was thinking and I wish it had made it out my mouth like the less helpful comments so often do… I will remember another time. It was a wonderful gift just to be there.

The phone charger I use in my vehicle declined to participate yesterday. So my phone was dead and I had absolutely no interruptions. I am afraid I enjoyed that very much.

This seems to bother a lot of people but Brian and I do not need phones to get the important stuff. Couple weeks ago I was out and left my phone in the vehicle. I’d stopped to pick up a couple things at Walmart, turned a corner and there was Brian. “I sent you a text but I hadn’t heard back.” He said, and added, “I thought about it and I just knew you were here so I stopped in to see if you wanted to go someplace for supper while we are both in town.”

This has always been normal in my family. Not an intrusive knowing others thoughts but a knowing about important stuff. We once found my sister in Ohio, just driving around thinking about her. We had a general place to start and loose plans to meet but lost her phone number but it did not take long, we thought about her and looked for her, and there she was.

I have read that there is an aboriginese culture that thinks there is something wrong with us because we do NOT just know if our friend needs help carrying a deer home after a sucessful hunt, and exactly where to find them to help them. I was a little confused when I read that because of course we DO know and I figured everyone did and I was still not-talking about stuff like that. I did figure out it spooked people eventually and stopped talking about it altogether for a very long time. I think it is important so I have been talking about it again of late.

Anyway I knew too, when Brian sent me a text saying that he would be leaving work at 3pm and I knew when he was getting close to home so I asked the time and said I needed to head home. That I wouldn’t want to deprive Brian of the opportunity to spoil me on my birthday! He didn’t beat me home by much. It was not his usual time, he was running fairly late, likely due to traffic but we ended up with plenty of evening to enjoy and spectacular weather so we could be outside for most of it, where we both love it best.

We had tuna salad and corned beef out of the cans for supper. Veritable feast in the best of company!

I noticed that I am wishing I had been quick enough to get a picture of the cute baby snakes we saw, sitting outside and enjoying the evening. And realizing that I do not even have pictures of me with Mom in the past 20 years or more. That would be me…

If I hadn’t decided to try to “normalize” the public awareness of women doing non-traditional work in the fabrication fields there would be very few photos of me at all except for the annual pictures we try to get for our Moms. There aren’t any pictures of me with my friends, or even of my friends either. Huh. Maybe I can do a little better with that. I’d like to have some pictures of Mom and I would like more of us together too.

I learn a lot by sharing. Wish I had started sooner, and under much better conditions.
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby handyman777 » Tue May 16, 2017 9:28 am

Happy (belated) Birthday.
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Sun May 21, 2017 7:16 pm

Thank you Handyman:) It was easily the best one in a very long time now. Feeling a lot more solid after the events of the past few years and we surely do appreciate so much more for all that.
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Sun May 21, 2017 7:17 pm

I've been running hard since my last post, gearing up to start work planting and trying to keep everything done up to the minute in case I am needed at Bohnert. Doing all the errands and household chores for both of us while Brian puts in very long days. Been on the go, hardly even been home this week but I was trying to be present with a friend whose child was having brain surgery last Thursday and a couple other friends who faced less dramatic but still upsetting health crisis in their families. (Everyone came out OK.) I was feeling on top of it all.

Then the flooding hit our town. We had a hundred year flood back in 04 I think. This one was far worse. Just devastating. Think the official word is we got 6 point some inches of rain in about two hours. Locals report 7 inches and they live here. At any rate it has been like watching a horror show as people started sharing pictures and we made the news and people we KNOW were rescued from their homes and businesses.

Pictures here:
http://www.wlky.com/article/photos-washington-county-flood/9886039

Video here:
http://www.wlky.com/article/raw-video-flooding-in-washington-county-1495245163/9886264

I have mostly been making myself useful since I have a public facebook page. I have shared all the information and helpful stuff I can find. Reaching out to folks we know, talking about how stress and grief are forces to be reckoned with. Doing my best to get information to those who need it. I am not sure power is yet restored to everyone? We have had the luxury of power and internet - thanks Kg! - so we've done our best to help.

My week is scheduled already. I will be shoveling mud, hauling it out, and trying to encourage our friends who are fighting for their small businesses. We figured the weekend would be busy with help but weekdays would be a lot slower for helping hands. I am very thankful to be in a position I can do this. Bohnert won't even ask for me, knowing what is going on here. They are just glad we are OK.

I will try to check in as I can. Not planning to overextend myself, still have a home to run, critters to care for and our own stuff to do but most of that will wait. Be loading up a wet / dry shop vac, scoop shovel, gloves, buckets, and a dump bed wagon in the S-10 and spending a day with each small business owner in the order of how hard they were hit.

No one was seriously injured. It will be a lot of work and take a very long time but small communities are at their best in hard times and it will be fine. Prayers would sure be appreciated though.


Edit to add:
I have set my privacy to none on facebook. Our page should be accessible to everyone if I understand how it works. It is alternately kind of boring with public service announcements that don't apply to anyone who doesn't live in the area, hair-raising with pictures of the flooding and discussion with friends about losing a child and other hard things, and we try to post things for morale, pictures of Syd and stuff. I'll get it caught up here in time but if you are interested much of our news is posted there too.

https://m.facebook.com/renee.clark.7771
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Thu Jun 01, 2017 7:43 am

I received a form for jury duty yesterday. If you’ve been with me over the long haul you know the background but a lot of folks don’t so I’m going to cover that first and then go into what I think is the right thing to do with it. As always I will follow my conscience and I think it is going to be pretty interesting for everyone if I am actually called in. Notice I did not say fun...

I will finish with what I know to be the law about a juror’s responsibilities and rights - and if you do NOT know about “jury nullification” and our constitutional obligations you really need to read that part because if you are called our system has degenerated to the point that great pains are taken to keep you from finding out about it.

I may post that again separately for those who are not interested in going through a long post to get to it. If you do not know the details of the Salem Bombing in 1988 it comes right up on internet searches and I have posted extensively about our unfortunate experience at the hands of our “justice system”. My Dad served 10 years for that despite the fact that we have proof the “experts” manufactured the evidence to convict him. See if I can find a link to that to share again at the end of this.

The background:

I was pretty much in shock when I was called in for jury duty some years ago because I had previously begged the judge, Frank Newkirk Jr. to do the right thing with evidence about the bombing in Salem that I KNEW he had because I and others had given it to him personally. This happened before he was a judge and I have come to believe he was threatened at that time - but…

At that time we desperately needed officers of the law to uphold the law and his failure to do so not only left our community vulnerable to some obviously dangerous people but also cost my family everything we own and put my Dad and another citizen in federal prison for ten years. I took it pretty badly when he denied even knowing what I was talking about and told me he would call the cops if I did not leave his office.

I did leave. I was hysterical and vomiting and in shock for days, but I left. That was the last time I saw him before I was called for jury duty last time and I did not do quite as well as I would have liked to when I faced him again because I had no idea he was a judge.

I did not name him personally when asked in his courtroom if I felt there were anything that might prevent me from doing jury duty but I certainly shared ALL the circumstances in a courtroom where everyone knew it was him anyhow. They just couldn’t get me out of that room fast enough. I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to. I will always wonder if our fire had anything to do with that and I do not know WHY I cannot just be quiet but I am not able to do that.

I should say here that if bad things happen to me or my family, information is going to be released that will satisfy my sense of justice and fairness and there will be further appropriate consequences. If you missed the background my entire family has been threatened and harassed and stalked and violated over many years any time I speak out and I am just entirely OVER that now.

I will add that I know exactly what it feels like to be threatened. I was afraid too. I am sure he had a lot to lose. He obviously had things to gain too. I do not bear grudges but I cannot be made to respect anyone who failed to uphold justice and the law when it was their duty to do so and accepted a position of further obligation and responsibility to the law, knowing this about themselves. I do pray for him. I cannot imagine… It is fair to add that I believe he tries to be a good judge and this counts as some meaningful restitution in my view.

So. Back to that jury duty form.

I am going to fill it out. I will most certainly go if I am called. I’ll dress the part of the conservative older business owner that should be a lawyers dream for a juror. And I will do my civic duty. I will practice this time and be ready to say that I have learned the hard way that evidence can be and is manufactured entirely because my family paid for an independent lab report to prove it, and our courts do not feel they need to hear evidence that might acquit an imprisoned man. The appeal courts can decline to see new evidence because it is not stapled. Knowing, no doubt, that prisoners might not have access to said staple.

I would have trouble accepting “evidence” as true because I have had the opportunity to learn that it can be made up and made to be quite convincing. Of course I can back ALL that up and I would just love to have the opportunity to do so. I would be fascinated to see if a judge would lie under oath if it came to a lawsuit, which I can see it might.

Because I think potential jurors need to know that. It is the right thing to do by my conscience. Despite the fact that my conscience causes me a great deal of trouble.

If they have not carried me out of the room when I get that out I will go on with everything I said last time… I will not stop talking until they shove me out the outer doors and I will project my voice like I am on stage. I am willing to do time for contempt of court for that. If I get any time at all for contempt I would also sue for damages and lost income and I might just file civil suits against individuals too. That adds up fast at shop rate. Pray for me? I might really need it. Apparently I have no sense at all. I do have Brian’s full support and that is a formidable thing at all levels.

If I am jailed for contempt of court, I’d want a jury trial. Not sure I could get it but I would sure give it my best effort. Because when asked if there were anything I wanted to say for my own defense I would say all of the above and the following - I feel it is my civic duty:


Jurors Handbook

http://fija.org
A link to the pdf file with the full handbook is posted on the page above. I have not been able to get a working link to just the file.

….. “the “judge” is there to conduct the proceedings in an orderly fashion and maintain the safety of all parties involved.”


….. “the jury has an “unreviewable and irreversible power… to acquit in disregard of the instructions on the law given by the trial judge…”

“..... If the jury feels that the law under which the defendant is accused, is unjust, or that exigent circumstances justified the actions of the accused, or for any reason which appeals to their logic of passion, the jury has the power to acquit, and the courts must abide by that decision.”


….. “In its broadest form, “nullification” has often been used to describe the jury’s “raw power to set an accused free for any reason or for no reason,” even for reasons having nothing to do with justice or guilt.”



But it is NOT required that jurors be told this. A great deal of trouble has been taken to avoid letting jury members know about their duties, responsibilities and rights in our system today. I won’t quote the cases. You can see them in the document I linked to below if you’d like. One final consideration that seems to me the perversion of “justice” which should be taken up and thrashed.

….. “Before ascending to the bench to try his first case, every federal judge is required by law to swear or affirm to uphold the Constitution (which includes the Sixth Amendment), and “that I will administer justice without respect to persons.” That is a most peculiar-sounding oath for anyone who intends to browbeat jurors into putting aside any notions of “justice” that might stand in the way of their willingness to condemn a morally blameless man.

Beyond all this, perhaps the most blasphemous aspect of the invocation of the oath is the simple fact that we really do not expect jurors to refrain from nullifying in all circumstances. That being the case, it ill-behooves us to place jurors under an oath that they will not nullify (much less lie to them about whether they have taken such an oath).

At least for those jurors who take their oaths seriously, it places them in an intolerable and totally unnecessary conflict between deeply held moral scruples. It demeans the seriousness of the oath, which stands at the very bedrock of our system of justice.”



Found the background posts about the bombing on the page linked below. Not sure I even shared that here? It does not come up in a search. It is all running together in a blur at this point. It starts with post number 967 and each post is numbered on the upper right corner. The series includes contact info for the fellow who is actually interested in hearing your story if you know anything or were involved. I don't want to hear from you if you were involved. I find it much easier to forgive and let it go in the abstract, I have no wish to hear and absolve anyone in person.

I keep hoping I am about done working it through, letting it go, understanding and forgiving. Pretty tired of it coming back up over and over again since there is apparently absolutely nothing I can do to inspire those I pay to represent me to do the right thing on this. There would be DNA evidence now but no one cares.... Not that it would give anything back.

It still sticks in my craw that my Dad lived as a convicted felon, was denied the right to repair guns for an easy retirement and worked so much harder because of this, and he lived and died in fear because it was never really over as long as we were still threatened. I might still get over that in time. It is always so much worse to see someone we care about suffer than it is to suffer ourselves...

http://www.backwoodshome.com/forum/vb/s ... 79&page=49

It does go on through the following pages in that thread. Mixed in with our little triumphs recovering from the fire, jobs we were still trying to do in Brian's shop, the mess of the road to the shop, our mess at my shop, losing my Dad, Brian's Dad's struggles, and snippets from our daily lives. We sure tried not to make it a bummer in the balance and I was still struggling through fresh things at the time too. Which is why it is scattered.
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Re: Homeless? Life After a House Fire.

Postby rj5156 » Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:16 am

I knew when I started volunteering with flood cleanup that I would be spending time with people who are in shock. I have spent plenty of time with folks who have more than they can deal with so I also knew about how that would feel. I thought it would be good for me and I was right. It is another way to peel the onion in this life.

There is only so much we can take in at once. We can do the work to process overwhelming things to the best of our ability but they do keep resurfacing over our lives, or at least mine have. Think something is all tidied up and tucked away and then something new happens and it is right back again, in new ways and on different levels we did not see the first trip through it. I figured I was in good enough shape to benefit from another round and I think it has been good.

It has not been easy. I’ve needed some down time and I’ll need to take a break to recover on the home front some too. Thankful to have Brian to talk with and I think it has been good for him too. I could not have done much without his full support and help at home and I sure do appreciate that.

Nothing happens in a vacuum. One person takes something on and it impacts those around them. He has been great with it of course. We signed on to face up to stuff squarely and keep working on it until we accomplish our best effort and we both get that recovery comes in waves and stages, back and forth, not in a straight line. So he benefits too.

I know it is kind of scary to let people in when we most need them. How it feels like we are “beholden” and the good things that happen with people reaching out are every bit as hard to deal with as the events that leave us needing their help. I know how it feels when everything is so overwhelming that simple decisions are a huge struggle, never mind priorities and progress.

I’ve tried to talk some about how I have been there and what it felt like for me. I have applied myself to saying helpful things like “I can just take care of this little part so you can do other things.” I have tried to offer helpful and specific input without steamrolling over where someone is at. It’s a pretty darned fine line to walk and I apologize if I’ve erred on the side of trying to make myself useful because the people and feelings level is still very hard for me. I’ve learned about that some too.

I actually saw me make someone a little bit uncomfortable and I was able to stop on the spot and I think I learned something pretty important and I also think I managed to undo the uncomfortable. Not going to get into a lot of specifics on this but I want to share. Ya’ll who have had me a long time know how excited I can get about things I really enjoy. Parents of autistic kids can probably relate to how their kids can get so focused on something they are oblivious to everything else and that would be us in a nutshell. Took me a very long time to realize everyone isn’t like that.

I was just starting to enthuse about finding someone to talk to who seemed to enjoy the kinds of things I do, mending things, and I do forget that our experiences over a lifetime are so far over the top compared to most folks that maybe it feels like we do not appreciate where they are or even are belittling what they have accomplished. On a professional level I am sorry if someone has insecurity issues but we have a job to do and my experience just IS. On a personal level I do not want others to feel I am putting them down in any way because that is not how I feel.

I actually noticed that my enthusiasm was causing a little fidgeting. So I stopped and thought about it. Decided that asking more questions and volunteering less was as good as I could do. Saw the fidgeting stop. Listened to some enthusing and kept my trap shut. Asked more questions. And it was something of a revelation for me because I DO try to see how I impact others and have only fairly recently begun to understand just how very over the top our professional background really is. Thought that was important and maybe I can carry it along into other situations too.

I also tried to share enough about myself that others won’t feel like the relationship is out of balance. I had to be told that this matters, that when someone shares something it is best to share back, so they don’t feel embarrassed or like I know more about them than they do about me, and maybe I don’t just come to remind them of things they’d rather forget.

I had to be told lately that if I really appreciate something about someone in my life I need to say that TO them, not about them. I was enthusing some to Brian about how and why a longtime friend was important to me and Brian said “Sounds to me like you need to say that to THEM, not me.” So I did. And I thanked Brian. Because it still feels like living in a foreign country where I don’t even speak the language and I still have to be told. See if I can remember that one better.

Seems to take several eureka moments for me to retain a new thing. Been working on that particular thing for some time. Still got room for improvement. Maybe that’s just life as a human. Glad I have people who care enough about me to just tell me. As many times as I need to hear it to retain it.

It has been a lot more valuable for me to have the chance to be there and participate than it has for those I’ve been with during the cleanup. Feels like I should be thanking them. Think I will!

Like to say that we have laughed a lot as we cranked it through this round. It gets easier. It makes a huge difference to have a partner who laughs easily, looks for the bright side and never laughs AT us. I am thankful for many things in my life right now, and none of those are “things”.
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