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What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

For all the lady preppers out there

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What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby Bilbo » Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:19 pm

Lord help me.

I'm not sure where to post this, but figured I'd try it on the ladies board.

I am new to this prepper way of thinking, but I'm picking it up quickly.

The boyfriend is mostly on board, except for the whole gun thing. I thought he liked the idea, but when I purchased a 22 caliber semi-automatic pistol the other day (as the first of more guns to come) he pretty much freaked out and didn't talk to me for a day and a half. Today he asked if I'd be willing to trade it in for a taser. I told him no...that it would be hard to taser a squirrel to feed my meat-eating friends. (Of which he is one, though I am vegan.)

I understand that this way of behaving is very new to him, and it's not part of how he has known me to behave in the past. So the change is on me, but still...I am making very rational decisions and plans, and in theory, he agrees with them. He also feels insecurity about the future, he complains about the government, blah blah blah...but like most people, he hasn't given any thought about how to get through any sort of disaster. He doesn't even have a days worth of food in his house. I kid you not, he eats every. single. meal. out. His first aid supplies at home are limited to a package of band aids and a bottle of expired ibuprofen. He doesn't even own a freaking thermometer, for gods sake. He doesn't carry cash...at all. I've never known anyone so woefully unprepared for even the slightest disruption. Though he does own some nice warm clothes and he has cut firewood for me in the past, so I know he can do that.

Anyway, because of the fact that I have the time and resources right now to devote to prepping, I am picking up steam. I feel like I have to make up for lost time.

This morning, I told him about the items I'd ordered yesterday, mostly for bugging out...for the both of us. I said it would be like "camping". I listed all the items I'd procured. A very well thought through list. All at my own personal expense mind you. And his response was that he hoped he'd never have to sleep outside, because whenever he's done that in the past he's been sick the next day. He thinks it might kill him. I suggested maybe he's exaggerating, but he is INSISTING he cannot sleep outside. I told him that if we have to escape to the woods, TO SAVE OUR LIVES, I hope he will come with me. Oh BROTHER.

I'm so annoyed at this moment, I think I'll only pack one pack and let him stay here if all he can do is whine. :crazy: Besides, I'll probably have to carry the heavier pack. :x

Mind you, this is not a casual relationship. This is not a new boyfriend, and I'm not about to dump him. He's just about the most wonderful, kind man on the planet, not to mention smart. (Though apparently not street smart!) And I recognize that I am the one who is changing her behavior...that is, to reflect my concerns. Meaning that I am the one who has gone from talking the talk, to walking the talk.

Anyway, my fellow sisters...have any of you had to deal with something like this? Most of the time, it seems the male is more gung ho than the female, or that the couple is equally on board.

I think I need to cool my jets and just not discuss it with him again for a while. Bah.
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby Das Sheep » Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:27 pm

We sometimes love people for strange reasons.

The best thing is to maybe not talk to him much, or try and understand why he is afraid of guns.

Also in addition to the .22lr I suggest some fishing yoyo's (also called auto fishers) for getting meat. They dont go bang but will outfish anyone you know without the need for attention.


Anyway back to guns and your boyfriend. Everyone needs to wake up on their own. He has not woken up. Nothing you can do or say to him will wake him up. Its something he has to do himself. In the mean time, prep for him. An extra set of hands and extra set of eyes can not be bought or stored in a mylar bag. If he doesn't like guns, thats fine. A nice pistol and a decent rifle or shotgun will see you along just fine. Maybe get a cheaper semi auto such as a Glock or SR or XD series weapon put aside for him. You can always teach him how to shoot it post collapse. Just figure in a hundred extra practice rounds and some empty beer bottles into your calculations.

But yea you can put away food and supplies for him pretty cheaply. Don't tell him about the supplies, or not that they are for him. Don't try and pressure him to help you prepare. Men are stubborn (I should know, being one) and the harder you try, the harder we will push back against it. So just keep it to yourself and prep. If you ever need the supplies, you can gloat then.
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby Bilbo » Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:41 pm

Thank you, Das Sheep. This is excellent advice.

I especially loved this part: "An extra set of hands and extra set of eyes can not be bought or stored in a mylar bag.

The last thing I want to do is get in his face about it, and emasculate him. I will continue to follow my path and be discreet about it. I just don't want to harm our relationship by not communicating, and that's a line I'll have to figure out how to tread.

I'm also prepping for my son and his fiance and they have no idea and would probably think I'm crazy if they knew.

It's what we do when we love people, right? ;)

I'll also look into the auto fishers. Those sound really excellent.

Thanks!
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby TaffyJ » Tue Dec 04, 2012 1:15 pm

Keep your ideas and actions to yourself for now. I have a feeling, there will come a time in the future that you will no longer have to hide these things, and by then things will be bad enough that they will be thankful instead of judgemental. For now, operational security is very important. If they disagree with you or tell you you are crazy, then they may blab about your preps to others just to make conversation. Then you're screwed in a way that can't be undone. Everybody will know and when the time comes, they will all expect your stuff, cause you're that crazy prepper lady and you must have stuff, right?

You may even go so far as to tell him it was a passing phase and its not so important to you now. That may involve swallowing your pride if he says you wasted money on it. Let it pass. Or point out that he has wasted money on silly things too.

Do not let anyone who makes fun of prepping know that you prep. When/if things get bad, they'll be the first one on your doorstep. That's fine if they are the people you have prepped for, but if they bring forty of their closest friends, that's not fine. And they will not understand the need to keep quiet if they don't see the value in what you are doing.

As far as sleeping outdoors, maybe make plans to 'bugout' to a friend or relative's house in a different location. And plan to leave early, so you don't have to sleep out along the way. The tent is good. Keep it. But make a plan B. Does he dislike the outdoors in general, or just sleeping outdoors? If he chops wood for you, he must tolerate it at least a little.
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby TaffyJ » Tue Dec 04, 2012 1:20 pm

And maybe you can garden as a hobby, you know, just because you like flowers and to putter around. It has nothing to do with that crazy prepping stuff! No, not at all. You just happen to be curious about potatoes and corn as well as sunflowers and herbs and the pretty stuff. :whistling: :innocent:
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby daaswampman » Tue Dec 04, 2012 2:41 pm

OK I guess I will be the badass. Is this a man you can love and respect in the long run? Is this a man you will trust to have your back and stand up for you - if you can't? Find a man and ditch the boyfriend. In the world that is coming you will want a man by your side. Swamp
People rarely notice what it right in front of their eyes. The Da Vinci Code
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby Uncle D » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:23 pm

You might try getting a long rifle/hunting rifle (like a bolt action 22). They are not as scary looking. They all are pretty much the same, but they don't have the rambo look (well some do but most don't). that might help him go along with the whole gun thing.
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby Pedro wyoming » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:49 pm

I agree with Swamp. there are more men looking for a good prepper lady than other way around.

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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby sageprice » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:55 pm

Female or Male, a survivor is a survivor. ;) Someone has to have a brain in their head
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby Lynda » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:56 pm

Tough topic. There are enough married and committed couples who have this serious difference of opinion about being prepared,although we're on the same page.
On the face of it I agree with the men here but maybe you could illustrate your boyfriend's strengths in a disaster. What would they be?
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby TaffyJ » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:58 pm

Alright, guys. Notice that she loves him. They have been together a while and he is kind and wonderful and smart. I agree that she needs a manly-man prepper, but not everybody is the same, and she loves him. So, she's gotta work with things as they are.
Possibly he could come around to proper thinking when he is needed. Or if she has to step up in a crisis and 'be the man' instead, maybe his manhood will feel damaged and he'll feel resentful, thus ending the relationship. Maybe he's really open minded and will have no problem with her handling the defense issues. Its for her to judge his worth.

But you guys are just looking for good prepper women, huh? :drool: :D
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby Bilbo » Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:26 pm

Well, I know where to go when I want to find a prepper guy. :rofl:

Seriously...Taffy, thank you for getting what I was saying. I really do love him. He is an awesome guy. And if the SHTF, he would take a bullet for me. I know he would. That's the kind of man he is.

I think he'll come around, I just can't expect him to be on the same accelerated path that I am on. After all, where was it that I was reading about this SHTF awakening and the five stages of grief? He is definitely still hovering in the first three stages. (Five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.) In fact, just today, after I posted this, we had a little text conversation. He said he just doesn't want to talk about survival stuff at Christmas time. I would say that's bargaining, eh? Progress, right? ;) (I would also say that he probably wants a unicorn for Christmas.)

Just kidding on that last part.

In my way of thinking, if he thinks it through and prepares accordingly, he won't NEED to take a bullet for me. But hey, that's just me. I'm in a different stage of grief than he is. I'm in acceptance. I think I just needed to vent here because I was extremely annoyed. :angry:

ETA: Lynda to answer your question. In a crisis, his strengths would be...he's extremely observant. We took a motorcycle class recently to get our endorsements, and he saw things on the flashing screen that even the instructor hadn't noticed. He definitely sees things that I don't. He also has really good hearing. Like I said, he's very smart. He works really hard and learns fast. And he's very loyal...I've known a number of men in my life who weren't, so I appreciate loyalty...especially under pressure. Wow, I'm making him sound canine. I don't mean to. He's also a great comfort to me when I'm feeling down or stressed. I feel like these are all beneficial qualities in a crisis. Even if he doesn't have great skills, he has wonderful qualities. Like most of us, he just wants peace in the world.
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby kr105 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:52 pm

Fact: he is not on board with your prepping.

At this point you need to stop talking about prepping around him. Keep your own counsel. People react very differently when faced with extreme stress. I've seen rationale, educated, brave people act like babies when faced with an unexpected disaster.

You know that you will be the provider in this scenario, so continue with what you are doing, and hide it well. Get creative on where you stash it. If he finds stuff and has a problem, he can go back to his own house.

My biggest concern is that he might talk about what you are doing to coworkers or shop keepers or friends. I agree with the post above suggesting that it was a passing fancy and what was I thinking?

You might also want to take a step back and re-examine your situation. You love him and that is wonderful. Does he tangibly contribute to the relationship? Is it an equal partnership? Only you can decide what is right for you but reading your initial post raised concerns.
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby Bilbo » Tue Dec 04, 2012 8:06 pm

Good points, KR105.

I think we're pretty much in agreement now to not discuss it. I'll ask him to mention it to no one and he won't. He is super trustworthy and doesn't break promises. That much about him I do know. ;)
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Re: What do to when the woman is the man in the family?

Postby joepres10 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 8:18 pm

Take a safety and traing course together. And go from there. But to stay one of you will be dragging dead weight some day and thats a personell choice
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