How to make safe drinking water

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    Before we get into the actual process of purifying water, I feel it is my duty to warn the reader of the extreme dangers of purified water and, more importantly, the impossibility of making it completely safe. While the CDC does not classify clean drinking water as a toxic substance, the CDC does classify water among the deadliest substances in the world today. It is responsible for thousands of deaths each year, so caution is advised in its proper use.

    Accidental inhalation of water can be fatal, in a solid state it can cause severe tissue damage and in a gaseous form it can cause severe burns. All scientists and doctors agree that water is the most addictive substance on the planet, oftentimes leading to death in the case of sudden withdrawal from prolonged dependence.

    To those who naysay, I say, “Bother!” This country was founded on beer! That’s right, the Pilgrims we pay homage to every Thanksgiving couldn’t have made the long journey across the Pond without beer because they knew the dangers of drinking water. When they finally got here, they decided that it sucked so bad they all wanted to go home, but they lacked enough beer for the return trip, so they had to stick it out.

    Now I know what your thinking, “If I switch to beer, it can have negative consequences too. For instance: waking up next to a three hundred pound transvestite while clothed in only my grandmother’s underwear…” But, hey, that can be forgotten with a few more beers (okay, a lot more beer), however, you have to admit, life would be a whole lot funnier with more beer.

    The best reason to go off drinking water and on to beer is: if you stick to it long enough, you’ll be eligible for Social Security Disability, then you can stop going to work because you’ll have that monthly check from the Federal Government to buy more beer with.

    So forget about making clean drinking water and invest your time and money in some brewer’s yeast, hops, a carboy and a wort chiller. It’s what I did and I couldn’t be happier – except for the tattoo of Caitlyn Jenner on my chest – that’s a real bummer, but luckily with a few more beers he (I mean she) will be a faded memory – as long as I don’t fall for the clean drinking water trap again.

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